Fighting Something Ugly

Depression is an ugly thing to fight. It surrounds you-- and like a dense fog, when you try to bat at it, even with all your strength, your hands just pass straight through. Depression creeps into every crack and gap, nook and cranny of your heart and mind left open to its harsh touch. It sneaks in through the tiniest of holes and fills any empty caverns it can find. It smudges the soul and crowds out the sunshine. Depression is a monster. It gnaws at the mind and sends its venom coursing through the veins.

Depression is my demon. Somehow, he knows me better than I know myself. He gets me where I didn’t even know it would hurt. He tells me I’m not important enough, I’m not perfect enough, I’m not useful enough. He tells me I'm too weak. He tells me if I fail, I won’t be trusted, supported, appreciated or loved anymore. He tells me I’m insignificant, replaceable, unwanted. He pokes and prods until I accept that there’s someone who could do “me” better than me. He reminds me of my past and paints chains on my future. Often I’m able to ward him off through the Truth found in God’s Word, but he always seems to find another way back in. He seeps in silently on the back of insecurity, jealousy, hurt, disappointment, frustration, stress, confusion and pain.

Sometimes, if I run fast enough, do enough, busy myself enough, I can get ahead of him, but inevitably he catches up and invites himself back in.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how to deal with depression. Because it hurts to be depressed and I'm weary from fighting it. I want instead, to have an irrepressible, pure joy for others and for myself.

So many times I’ve heard “you have to stop thinking about yourself and focus on others if you want to be rid of depression”. I believe there’s great truth to this, don’t get me wrong, but I just end up burning myself out trying to serve, and then the moment I stop, depression’s right back upon me. Maybe (for me, anyway) there's more to this. But what? I can seal up all those cracks and holes in my life that depression sneaks in through, but if I cover them up, then the depression that’s within will be permanently trapped inside. 

So what about this: maybe the cleansing of depression has to come from within. A medicine, so to say, from God that begins on the inside and works its way out, banishing depression as it goes and filling up the empty places so that nothing else can fill them again.

maybe that medicine has a name.

maybe

just maybe

it’s trust?

Trust that in Him I am enough. In Him I am loved unconditionally. Trust that He has a perfect plan for me. He’s got the right place (or places), the right man, the right job, the right friends, the right ministry, the right encouragement, the right acceptance. Trust that he’s got everything under control. Trust that I don’t need to have everything under control, I only have to give everything over to Him.

15 Bible Verses You Should Read Now

That’s absolute truth that the Bible is full of. But honestly, you and I both know it’s way easier read and said than done. What does it take to really, really hand it all over and mean “Lord, have your way with me!”?

I’m still figuring that out.

On the brink of giving up, which I do all to often, I’m going to rally myself once again and pray, pray, pray, pray. 

Obviously, wanting this isn’t enough, because I’ve wanted relief from depression for a long time. I actually sometimes get depressed over the fact that I'm depressed (confusing, i know.) So wanting's not enough, but quite possibly begging will do it. Not letting God hear the end of it until I am whole.


My heart’s cries in the past weeks have been channeled through two songs: 

From the Inside Out by Hillsong

 and 

Remind me Who I Am by Jason Gray

I don’t want my faith to be marred by any of the aforementioned lies from the master of darkness. I want to be free from the measurements and comparisons for self-worth this world is bent on forcing into our minds.

Don’t you?

Let’s ask for it.


Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

John 15:16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

1 John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.


*UPDATE, FALL, 2012*
I have seen such a change in my heart attitude and mind set over the past several months as I have bit by bit continued to give every desire, fear, question, joy, whatever, over to God. He has filled me and fulfilled me. I have His peace. I know that He does lead and He will lead, and in those rare moments that depression seeks to rain on His parade, I turn that over to Him as well. I'm learning and He's faithful. Praise the Lord.

addictions part 2

My last addiction post was kind of my general opinion of addictions, but I’ve been thinking more, over the past two days, and I think I’m gonna share some of the specific ways I was able to attack my addictions. 

I want to say this right out:

It’s not the abundance of addictions, or a lack thereof, that proves the strength of a believer’s walk with Christ. True strength is shown when a believer is faced with that certain temptation and chooses to say ‘no’ through the power of Jesus Christ the Omnipotent.

Without addictions, sin or evil, God’s grace and strength wouldn’t be recognized for how beautiful and amazing it is. Now, this is not to say go on sinning so that God’s grace may abound- I’m just saying that we have the chance to show God’s glorious hand at work, as we battle our weaknesses and the devil’s temptations with HIS STRENGTH!

After I recognized my addictions and discovered I couldn’t fix my problems myself, I cried out. I exposed my sinfulness to God, and to people who could help me. (I initially chose my mother, and then some other mentor-type figures. Your mom, or dad, may not be a suitable option for encouragement in the ways of God. In that case, I’d recommend going to your pastor, Bible Study Leader, or an older person in the faith who shows great devotion to God. If they can’t help you, they can probably direct you to someone who can!)

But, if you’ve tried this before, you know that even that is not enough. I’ve heard that there are stories of God’s immediate removal of addictions, but most commonly, we need to wage war and use the weapons God has given to destroy the addiction and it’s temptations.

So- here’s a great thing to do: REMOVE THE TEMPTATIONS. If you’re addicted to the computer, turn it off. Don’t even go near it for a while, if you can help it. If you’re addicted to spending, leave your credit card at home, and only take your weekly budget in cash. If you’re addicted to TV, cancel your cable for a couple months. If it’s music that gets you, clear your iPod, or stuff it in a drawer for some time. If it's a place, stay FAR AWAY, reroute your daily paths if you must. If your addiction is food, or alcohol or something of that nature, have someone you see regularly keep you in check. Tell them to pull it out of your hands and throw it away if they catch you with it. Sometimes we have to do extreme things, because destroying the addiction is EXTREMELY important to our walk with the Lord! 

Get a godly accountability partner (or a mentor, if you’re young) to encourage you, keep you on track with your decisions to remove temptations, and to pray for you.

Bathe yourself in Scripture. Like, seriously. SMOTHER YOURSELF. I don’t care if it’s not “fun”. I don’t care if you “don’t want to”. If you want to see any kind of decent result in fighting your addiction, you’ll need God’s Words. READ THAT BIBLE! 

In the morning when you wake, at night before you close your eyes, during the day, carry around index cards. Download a reading of the Bible to your itunes and play it. often.

It will get easier to stay in the Word, and you’ll start to see the effects of spending your time feeding your mind truth. The Word of God is ALIVE. So it changes things. It saves. It rescues. It refreshes. It. Is. ALIVE. so let it work in you. Bible studies and fellowships are also great ways to cover ourselves in scripture.

Talk with God about every moment of your life. Let him know you’re struggling, ask Him for help, praise Him for His faithfulness in answering your prayers and offering ways of escape. (p.s. don’t forget to take those ways of escape, when he offers them to you. don’t think you fell back into your addiction because He wasn’t there -It’s probably because you weren’t paying attention to his way of escape!)

Change your habits and schedule. When I struggled with honoring God in certain social circles, I needed to step out of those areas until my walk was back on track with God. Some of the activities I was able to rejoin after a while. Some, I never went back to because I realized that they were not beneficial to my spiritual growth, but consistently tore me down, or caused me to doubt God’s truth.

These are some things that I did to attack the addictions. They were very powerful, but I still felt (and sometimes still feel) the tremors of addictions, coaxing me to cave. So, in addition to all these things, we need to turn completely away from the direction of the addiction, and pursue the things of God. Fill the time you spent in that addiction with volunteering in the community, serving at church, spending more time with family members or friends, and of course, spending more time with God. Find new fun activities and hobbies. When those tremors start shaking your faith and determination, stop where you are and drop to those knees. Ask God for the power to say “NO” to the temptations. Ask God for the strength to continue pressing on in Him. THANK HIM for not leaving you to stew in your addictions, but for raising you up into newness of life. 

I cannot tell you how much joy abounds in the freedom from bondage to an addiction. Your eyes will be cleared to see so many more wonders of God than you could imagine. Your life will be full of fruit and your rewards will be in heaven, and maybe even blessings on earth. Jesus knows our sorrows, He knows our temptations and pain. I think I can say he is SO proud of us when we choose to take hold of His truth and wield His strength to defeat the addictions in our lives. 

God loves us. and he doesn’t just leave us to sit in our dirt. He’s reaching out His hand. Take it, and wait in expectation!

Betkany

Phil 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Rom 6:1-4 - What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?  Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?  Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death?  Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

Heb 4:12 - For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart

Phil 4:6-7 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

addictions

I’m sitting here, staring at my computer screen. where do i even start. addictions aren’t easy to address, because they are the things closest to us. The things that we love so much we devote our lives to them. The things that we’re painfully attracted to, and can’t seem to give up. They’re things that cause radical change in our lives, for good or for bad. They’re, well, addictive. 

merriam-webster describes the word addict as: “to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively.”

I’m gonna spring off the two words ‘habitually’ and ‘obsessively’ to try and share my view of addictions.

Obsessive Addiction- this one’s lighter, so we’ll address it first. ‘obsessively’ reminds me of children’s fads today. silly bands, pillow pets, hannah montana or justin beiber... things that are obsessed over. I know kids who live and breathe for their favorite music star. Their walls are covered in posters, they’ve memorized every word ever sung from the golden lips of their idol, maybe they even went to a concert and pushed and shoved their way to the front of a gaggle of screaming fans, just to “touch” so-and-so’s hand, or maybe even get a snap-shot together. An obsessive addiction is something that consumes your thoughts, dreams, and eventually your actions. It can be a spending addiction, a food addiction, a popularity addiction, a tv, gaming or *gasp* facebook addiction. 

But what if you’ve chosen to obsess over children’s advocacy, or taking care of our planet. Am I going to criticize you for that? well, no. and yes. it depends. 

As Christians, we should lead godly, well-balanced lives by giving proper attention to the different needs, likes and passions that God has given us to take care of. Working-out is good for the body, but how much is too much? The desire to be knowledgable in the things of the Bible is great, but when it consumes your life so that you neglect the people and responsibilities God has given you, I believe that can be an unhealthy addiction too.  

I’m not going to offer a scale of balance for everything in life, i think it’s different for each person, and between them and the Lord. But I will encourage you to step back and review the things you devote your life to. Have you chosen things that bring the most glory to God? Are there “addictions” you should modify or completely release? I know I’ve got some.

Think about it. 

Now we’ll take the next (and maybe a bit heavier) type of addiction- 

Habitual Addiction- to me, ‘habit’ implies not necessarily having a great love for the object of addiction, but being “stuck” to it. Habitually taking another smoke, when you know it’s hurting your health. Habitually resorting to drugs or alcohol to handle fear or sorrow, knowing the sorrow will still be there when you shed the stupor. Habitually exposing yourself to media that tears down your own self, your relationship with God, relationships within the family, or the body of Christ. Habitually reacting harshly out of anger, when you want so badly to respond calmly.

These, and things like them are addictive habits that are formed by an inital exposure, and the lack of strength to say “no” when the temptation comes around again.

I have dealt with habitual addictions in a most heart-breaking way. 

In the past, I’ve gotten into things I never should have done, or been exposed to. Once I did, I was caught in them. I couldn’t let them go no matter how much I willed myself to. The saddest part is that I took hold of them, and then couldn’t let them go because I believed, with all of my heart, some dreadful lies about who I am, who God is, and what the purpose of my life is. My focus was turned inward. I was trying to solve the problems using the tools I could offer, and they were not enough. So, I was doing things that hurt my life, my relationship with God and my relationships with others, because I was captive to habits that were destroying me. Thank God, He saved me from some of the worst and most destroying addictions, but still ~

EVERY DAY I struggle with habitual addictions. Things I know are wrong, but I still sometimes give into. Fighting or aruging with my siblings, or even parents, instead of being a peacemaker. Watching movies, listening to music, reading books or internet articles that promote ungodly or selfish behavior or thoughts. Looking to do things that best glorify me, or make me look good. In essence, putting myself above God. The addiction to be in control. 

Saying this goes against all instinct to protect my reputation, to pretend i’ve got it all together. But I think it needs to be said, because I think someone needs to hear it. I think someone needs to see that they’re not alone. Trying to keep it together, but knowing they fail miserably, even when no one else knows. I am RIGHT. THERE. WITH. YOU. 

And WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Ever since the moral fall of mankind, shortly after the creation of the world, every single human has struggled to keep their priorities where they belong: Living for God’s Glory. 

Jesus laid it out pretty clear, the things that we’re supposed to do: 

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matt 22:37-39.

That’s what we’re supposed to be doing. That’s what our habitual addictions are keeping us from doing. That’s why we’ve GOT to get rid of these addictions. 

Fact: Humans were made to be passionate. We were made with the ability to praise something. We were made with the need to serve something. It’s how we are, and we can’t change that. 

Also Fact: We have an enemy. He will and DOES use EVERYTHING he can against us. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). If he sees a weakness, he’ll jump on it. he’ll rub it in our faces, he’ll rain it down all around us. 

BUT another Fact: as believers, we have the Holy Spirit inside of us, revealing the truths and mysteries about God and His ways. We have the Scripture, to study, to learn from, to memorize, to apply. 

Here’s something my friend Stephanie said, “Now I may not strike you as the type, but it is true, at times I struggle with addiction.  Addiction to spending time with certain  people (or people in general,) addiction to summer vacations, addiction to coffee.  Not all addictions are bad, it's true. The one addiction for which I can feel no regret is the addiction to spend time with Jesus.  I usually find that I crave the things I am accustomed to having.  If I eat a lot of yogurt, I find myself craving yogurt.  If I drink a lot of coffee, I crave coffee.And yes, eating chocolate makes me want more chocolate.  When I spend my days conversing with my Savior, I crave to be in His presence.  And when I fail to make the effort the symptoms of addiction begin to fade, and the desire to draw near diminishes.  Feed the right addiction.Cling to what is good.Crave Jesus.” 

I just love it! She’s saying that if we use what God has given us (Scripture, Prayer, the Holy Spirit), and feed the right things, the right addictions will be promoted. Simple as that!

If you’re not a believer in Jesus Christ, you don’t have the Holy Spirit living in you and guiding you. I’m sorry to say that, in your condition, there is NOthing that can help you completely escape from the bondage of any addiction. There are temporary “fixes” but all too often, you’ll fall right back into the addiction, or find a new one to replace it, because as I said before, we were made to be addicted. We were made to devote ourselves to something. And if the old/natural self (sin-nature) rules us and causes us to devote ourselves to harmful things, we cannot rise above it. We need something more. Something new. Through the power of Jesus Christ, we have recieved the gift of freedom from the bondage of sin. When we accept that, he gives us a helper, the Spirit of the Living God, INSIDE of us, helping us to make godly choices. (How cool is that?!?)

This world is suffering from a downward spiral in morals, productivity, health, everything. Last night, my friend Emka candidly called it, “the flushing toilet”. we’re going down. It’s entropy and it happens. (entropy- a process of degredation or running down or a trend to disorder. merriam-webster)

BUT when we put on the new self, we begin to “un-entropy”. 

“In reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit [entropy], and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth [un-entropy].” Eph 4:22-24

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry [entropy]. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.  But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.  Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices  and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator [un-entropy]. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.” Col 3:5-11

I believe that un-entropy is only possible through an addiction. Some might call it a “passion” or a “way of life” instead of an “addiction” but what it is, is the COMPLETE devotion and surrendering of yourself to Jesus Christ. According to our dictionary definition, an addiction to God. 

It’s admiting that you’re not enough and that He is. Believing that He loves you and He has the power to un-entropy your entropy-ing life. (yes, i'm creating words all over the place here...) It’s choosing to follow his examples and instructions with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength. 

As we devote ourselves to becoming like Jesus, learning from His example throughout the scripture of how to love, trust, obey and serve, HE WILL BECOME OUR ADDICTION. OUR HABIT. OUR OBSESSION. OUR EVERYTHING. 

And those habitual and obsessive addictions that once entangled and snared us will fall at the feet of our great desire and love for our God. 

As a general rule they won’t disappear immediately, because God in His sovereignty decided we will remain among this churning and chaotic world after we believe in Him. But they CAN be overcome! 

In Christ, it’s no longer futile to press towards freedom from the shackles of an addiction.

Every day, as I struggle with controlling my addictions, I must (and often) choose to believe that MY GOD is greater than any addiction. That He, and not the dirt of this world, deserves my devotion. That in Him I can triumph over any temptation my enemy presents to me (1 Cor 10:13).

And when I fail, I have to be strong enough to admit that I failed, and seek His forgiveness and help to do better next time.

Don’t give in. Don’t give up. These addictions we have, they ain’t got nothin’ on our God!

Desiring to be completely addicted to Him,

Betkany

disclaimer: in no way is this exhaustive (i only spent 6 hours writing it) and it's only my opinion, to boot. yes, i made up some words too. but maybe it's something that you or someone you know needs to hear. so if it helps, praise God, if not, please don't hold anything against me :)